The Oldest
A letter to my siblings
I am the eldest child in my family and the eldest daughter. I never considered it any other way until the other day I heard my Dad say “you are the eldest son” to my little brother. I instantly thought he is not (he very much is from a factual perspective). I have never truly written what I think it means to be the oldest, but I am leaving for college soon so no better time than the present, days are limited and unguaranteed. I should preface this by saying I have incredible parents who I am incredibly grateful for and wouldn’t trade the world for anyone else (I know you both are going to read this and cry).
In eight months, give or take I will leave my parents house — the house that has always held my siblings and I — to start a new adventure where they can’t follow. In a perfect world I fly back at least two times a year to see them. At least once for Christmas and for a portion of the summer. When I leave, my younger brother and best friend will be the eldest child in my parents house, which I am fine with, but I have one ask. Don’t forget that I was the eldest first.
Throughout my childhood I have loved being the oldest and have worn it like a goldstar pinned to my shirt. I’ve boasted about staying up the latest or not needing a car seat. I established the dinner table seats when we were younger and spoiler I always sat next to my dad. Staying up late to set up the fancy – at the time – apple tv to watch the little mermaid and always knowing the passwords was a flex unlike any other.
Exactly two years and two weeks after I was born my little brother Wake was. The day he was brought home from the hospital I remember spinning in my twirliest dress when my parents decided to walk in with a baby that my grandparents rushed over to. Upset for only a moment and slightly inconsolable I accepted the new addition as he was a cute baby. I remember whispering in his ear which he certainly doesn’t remember but I always will “I’m not gonna let anything hurt you,” because how could I, that was my baby brother.
A brief 16 months later I got a baby sister named Wren. By this time Wake was already running around the house in full on toddler mode. I remember my poor grandparents dragging me out of the hospital after meeting Wren for the first time crying, screaming, and thrashing around (if you have ever tried to take away something that a toddler wants you know exactly what I’m talking about). Boo quickly became an adorable addition to the family, appropriately deemed so because Wake couldn’t pronounce Wren. Fyi when we went to the hospital to meet her for the first time Wake pushed her empty bassinet around the room making tractor noises so you know he was hyped.
A while after that we got Parker. I distinctly remember my parents telling me and my siblings they had a surprise for us and started the conversation with “what do you guys love?” we responded excitedly “GREAT WOLF LODGE” (an indoor waterpark for those unaware). They laughed and said “no look at who is sitting on the couch next to you” I realized first “eachother.” Quickly after I put together that we were getting another addition. I hoped and prayed it would be a boy so that way Wake would have a friend to play with. (I’ve had the privilege to watch that dream unfold in the past few years). Our parents let us come to the gender reveal ultrasound appointment and when the nurse said it was a boy we proudly decreed “WE’RE A PATTERN”. That was it. The little guy my parents would name Parker completed our pattern.
From there I lead the sibling trope around a lot of places. The woods behind our old house to various countries with different levels of excitement. My siblings have never had a moment in their lives where I wasn’t here first and I wouldn’t have it any other way, because for every joy in leading the line there has been a pitfall.
I am not naturally an overtly emotional person, but my siblings will always have a direct window to my heart even if I do not showcase it the best. Over the years I have experienced a variety of moments with each of my individual siblings that scared me and I am not an easily scared individual. For every hard moment or friction point I will be the first to put on a steadfast face and locate a solution. I have never known another way. It’s always for my parents, for my siblings, and to reassure myself.
When I was younger there was a brief stint when I wished I had a twin. Someone to share the burden of being the oldest with. What I came to realize is that being the eldest is intrinsically a part of who I am. A silent steadfastness, head on a swivel, and reassurance is a natural state for me to reside. This is reemphasized when I am with my friends. Over the summer a friend and I joked I was “the dad” of the friend group. Taking care of others and encouraging fun experiences, albeit not often planning them. I am at peace with this role. My friend group consists of three eldest, two middle children, and three youngests. If for a moment when we are together the other two eldest can relax I will happily take on being “the dad” of the group and try my best to look out for the others. I will do what I wish a twin could have done for me and split or take part of the responsibility it takes to be the oldest.
At this moment in time I have built a shield on my back. I turn it to the wind or troubles ahead so I can be present for my family with a multitude of solutions. My siblings are worth more than anything in this world to me and I would gladly stand to shield them forever with a smile on my face if I could but I can’t. Part of being the eldest for all this time is leaving the home my parents built first. I am not perfect by any means but I try hard to be. My siblings remind me of those shortcomings often but I don’t mind it’s a good reminder they’re around.
When I leave my parents house I know that I will miss moments. Wakes lacrosse wins but more importantly to me our drives to school in the morning where even if we say nothing or I get mad at him for chewing to loud, I am grateful he is right there or our late night conversations about nothing of great importance but when I hear my mom come down the hall to tell us to go asleep I will feel as if we just stole the moon. Wrens bodyspray that she claims to have only sprayed once but it fills up our whole bathroom but more importantly our quick glances and few words exchanged before deciding to get in my car and grab starbucks or spend an errant fifty dollars at Target, in those moments I am reminded of a sweet sisterhood, it’s made even better if we can’t decide what music to play because soon I won’t have the privilege of fighting over the song that plays through my speakers I will just pick alone. Parker’s brief additions into an ongoing conversation that I will be mad about in the moment, but only a second after I will be reminded of the facts and games I played when I was young, I will miss his fast facts and won’t be able to savor an uninterrupted conversation the same as his voice won’t be there to join it.
My dads hair will go fully grey while I am gone and while I only notice it occasionally now it will be unrecognizable when I return. It serves as a reminder of the privilege of aging and as a dagger to my inner child who watches her dad grow old. My mom will have the same smile but there will be deeper lines around her mouth from laughter that erupted at an inappropriate time no doubt, but I won’t have been there. In the back of my throat I carry her habit of laughing with awful timing and for a moment I will feel ashamed when spry laughter erupts before I realize it is a part of me gathered from her.
I care to be remembered by few people when my soul leaves my body hopefully a hundred years from now. I wish to be remembered by Wake as his fiercest protector whom I would walk to the moon and back for even though he is much bigger and stronger then me now. I wish to be remembered by Wren as her biggest cheerleader consistently in awe of her strength and spirit. I wish to be remembered by Parker as a thoughtful listener who would take a moment to sit and hear what he wanted to say. If at the end of my days I have accomplished these three things, then no task I accomplish for myself or others will matter more.
So my wish for Wake as he becomes the eldest in this house, then Wren, and as Parker is left last is that they know no matter where I am in the world, I was the oldest first and no matter what I do and succeed in or fail at will be of any importance, as they will shine 100 times brighter than me and I will champion their every accomplishment as if it were my own.
Thank you for reading!
Until next time,
Cana
❤️ you so.